A Daily Reprieve

I was at an AA meeting last night and the message was powerful - relapse happens! And there is no guarantee against it and no promise that we will make it back into the rooms. I find meetings where the theme is chronic relapse vital to my sobriety. I need to hear that my sober time does not guarantee me any free passes. That I have a daily reprieve and that if I do not do what I have done so far to stay sober, I have no defense against the first drink.

I sure do not want to go back there! What a hopeless, deep, empty place that was. From page 24 in the Big Book:

At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. The tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is expected.

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically non existent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

...When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic tendencies, he has probably placed himself beyond human aid, and unless locked up, may die or go permanently insane.

This is not even an option!

Baby Fletcher is Home!

He came home Thursday evening, September 13, after 8 days in NICU - and ALL is right with the World!

Close your eyes
Have no fear
The monster's gone
He's on the run and your daddy's here

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll both just have to be patient
'Cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime

Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Darling, darling, darling
Darling
John Lennon

Babies are god

Baby Fletcher came home last Thursday evening and all is right with the world.

Lester and I spent Saturday at Kate & Ed's house and all I did from 10am until 10pm was hold the baby! What a refreshing, delightful, and serene way to spend the day.

Operationally speaking, he really doesn't do much right now - every 3 hours or so he wakes up, hiccups, gets his diaper changed and eats. Then he goes back to sleep. But he is endlessly fascinating to me! The face itself is a miracle; the squints, squinches, wrinkles, the lip puckers, the tongue twisting, yawns, frowns, I could go on and on at how remarkable a thing is a baby's face. And the random limb movements also offer hours of deep pleasure! The arm in the air, the toes spread out, the hand curled, knuckles to the nose, kicks, knee jerks, again, endless surprises in each unanticipated and unplanned motion he makes.

And it is only the beginning! I am blessed to have yet another grand child to take me on this remarkable journey and I treasure every minute of it. I let my eyes soak in his beautiful face, the perfect skin, this flawless and untouched person. And it fills my soul.

Life and Lungs

Forget the Limbs - just tell me what is going on with my lungs!!!

What is the diagnosis? What is the treatment? The prognosis?

I saw my pulmonologist yesterday and he too wants more tests. I get the sense that he does not agree with the Hopkins sarcoid specialist. I feel sometimes as if my life were "on hold" while I wait on medical wisdoms, while my guitar gently weeps...

This disease is not the end of the world and I know that. In the grand scheme of things, it is just not that important. But, it is my disease and I am tired of wondering what it is! An answer would be nice. Adequate treatment would even be better!

Waiting and Worrying

Baby Fletcher is still in the NICU. Back and forth his parents go, trying to be with him as much as possible. I have such admiration for them. But it pains me to see what they are going through. The baby was supposed to come home today - with great joy and relief. But when they went to pick him up, they were told that he was not eating enough and they had to keep him at the NICU until his eating was back to where it is supposed to be. I cannot imagine the letdown they must have felt. I broke into tears when Kate told me on the phone. Great disappointment quickly followed by worry and fears for the baby. We have never had to leave a baby in a hospital and maybe this is just "little stuff" and not really a big deal, but to me, it is the world right now. And I won't feel right until he is at home with his mom and dad.

Babies Make the World Go Round

Fletcher Ethan Welsh is the newest addition to our family and and he has already make his own special space in my heart. There is nothing like a brand new life to show me what is right with the world. He came into our lives 6 weeks early, Wednesday September 5, 2007, 4:42 am, weighing 5 lbs 12 oz, 18" long. Such a tiny thing. And a living breathing tiny thing at that!

I looked on his precious face and tears just rolled down my face - joyful and grateful for being given this amazing gift. I remember when my first grand child was born as I was flying out to be with my daughter and her family I was wondering how long it would take for me to "love" her - obviously a not-very-experienced grand parent:-) As soon as she was put in my arms I felt my heart expand as it made room for her to take up permanent residence. The same heart that now holds Olivia, and since Wednesday, Fletcher.

Life Does Go On

It is 9:30 in the morning here in Columbia Maryland, and about 30 minutes ago, my son-in-law, Ed, called to say that he and Kate were on their way to the hospital. Kate's water broke and it looks very likely we will have our new baby boy today. I feel as if I am in a state of calm panic!

She is about a month early. She is my beloved daughter. This is her first baby. And all I can pray is that she is well cared for and not in danger. My biggest fears always - ever since they were born, my daughters. That they are never harmed, in pain, suffering, alone; that they die while I am still forced to live. And that fear never goes away. So I sit and pray.

And I am also very excited - a new - brand new - baby boy to love. Baby toes, chubby thighs, a neck filled with those hidden creases that smell so good, baby skin like silk, limbs jerking every which way with no rhyme or reason other than that they can. I already love this baby and I have not yet even held him - he has not yet made his debut! But I love him with all my heart.

And now, the waiting. The temptation to pick up the phone and call every 5 minutes!. And every time my phone rings, my heart leaps with anticipation. Of course, it has only been 45 minutes since Ed called so I probably should try to settle down, but I probably will not. This is an event; a moment in life that requires special attention and care. Events do not suffer waiting very well!
More will be revealed!

Bird Poop?

So, I "might" have hypersensitivity pneumonitis.....and it "might" be caused by exposure to bird poop! How prosaic!!!!!

Now I do not mean to sound ungrateful here - but bird poop? Of course, that will have to be tested and confirmed along with a host of other common causes of HP. And if a cause cannot be found - too bad for me. I will just have to cross my fingers and hope that I don't encounter the allergen again. So maybe it is time to start looking into cloisters!